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Today's Daily Hotties
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The Junkies: Who knew white guys were funny? SPORTSHUSTLAS.COM -- Nick "The Commish - Tuesday, January 31 As most of yall know, I live in the DC area and I can listen to just about anything on the radio. The choices are unlimited, and since I like to laugh in the mornings, I usually listen to whatever makes me crack up to get me to the afternoons where my iPod, Jay-Z & Young Jeezy take over the rest of the day. Here, at my full time gig, I cant get AM stations, so Im stuck with FM. My rundown of what I usually listened to broke down like this: 6-10: Russ Parr; 10-1: Junkies; 1-2: Lunch; 2-whenever: IPod That all changed on January 3rd when The Junkies, four middle aged white guys from MD & VA moved from their above time slot to 6-10am. Now, most bruthas wouldnt dare admit they would rather listen to a station of that features white guys and their humor over Russ Parr and Donnie Simpson. Why you ask? Well, lets face it, there are very, very, very few white guys that are funny. Its like, if you made a 5-on-5 all time basketball team of brutha comedians vs. white guys, it would be like Texas Western putting the beat down to Kentucky in the movie Glory Road. (My starting 5 would be Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Red Foxx & Chris Rock. Shoot, my bench could be a starting 5 too: Dave Chappelle, Cedric the Entertainer, Chris Tucker, Steve Harvey & Bernie Mac). But back to my subject, its almost sacrilegious to choose to listen to white guys over the bruthas in the mornings. But ever since January 3rd, I made the switch to listen to the four funny Saltines at 6am who somehow made words like donkey, dagger, Jeff Smoker, BJ Surhoff and nubbins catchy. Now, lemme give you a quick, straight from the street bio of these dudes, which makes them funny d*ckheads. EB reminds me of Cartman from South Park. Like Cartman, EB complains about every-damn-thing possible in life, from his house, to his income, to his unsatisfacation of the whips he pushes, one of which being a pimped out 300C that looks like something straight off of Need for Speed: DUB Edition. Hes married to an Asian chick and has an entertainment center that rivals the displays at Myer-Emco. But yet, he bitches and whines all the time, which makes for good radio cause like most bruthas, we can relate to never being completely satisfied (Expect most bruthas arent bangin out Kobe Tai look-a-likes in front of our 60 plasma TVs, smacking cheeks with one hand while handling a mouse in the other, playing Party Poker online and watching 24 on DVR like EB gets to do). Lurch is an Eminem (white brutha), even though he would oppose it. Reasons being: He played ball at national high school powerhouse Dematha (where the bruthas be at), played college ball in Richmond (where there are bruthas everywhere), and said he wanted to have sex with San Diego Chargers DE Marcellus Wiley (probably something down low gay bruthas wanna do). But what makes Lurch Poppa brutha-approved is this dude told two stories we all can relate to: 1) Talked about how his wife popped in a tape (by accidentisnt sh*t always by accident) of some blonde getting her bump n grind on and after a few minutes, up pops his face on the screen, too! (There aint one brutha that hasnt tried to make their own, Mr. Marcus Presents amateur movie). 2) Mentioned that back in the day he went to a bar, got tipsy, and got hit on by a girl who was the opposite of a dime. Liquor can sometimes make the biggest girl look thin, so she took him to the Motel, banged him out, only to wake up with less cash in her purse than she had before cause Lurch got her for her paper! (Now, if poll 10 bruthas and ask them if they've ever pulled off this stunt, 5 would say 'Yeah, I've done that', 3 would say, 'Hmm, I gotta try that next time', and the other 2 would say, 'I would never do that!' They're lying.) Thats gangsta. Cakes is like Bill Clinton: as close to black without actually being black. His story is similar to 50 Cents accept he didnt get shot 9 timesor sell drugsor drop a hot song like In Da Club. Ok, well maybe its not like 50s, but its close. Homeboy is truly blessed. Talk about a rags-to-riches story: Homey went from going to Towson University to working at Toys R Us (who says college is underrated?) to being on the radio and getting pizzzaid!! Throw in that homey had his first kid at like 20, and has 2 other young ones, and back in day used to blaze the sticky-icky ("oooh weee, put it in the air" as Snoop D-Oh-Double G would say), Cakes is blacker than your blackest white guy! (Of note: Like Dame Dash, Cakes is a hustler. He will do just about anything for cash, including a year and a ago when he slept in a coffin for 2 Gs for a few days and recently ate 15 hot dogs in 15 minutes for cash, too. The things peeps gotta do to feed the crumbsnatchers!) JP, finally, is mixed with Rican, but thats all the minority you get from him. Hes the whitest white dude of the four, but has an uncanny knowledge and appreciation of ol'school hip hop. Recently the each of the Junkies put together their own "Top 50 songs of all time". While most of the Junkies had songs by such groups like the Eagles (Who the f*ck are the Eagles? Is Donovan in the band?), The Who (Who the f*ck are The Who? If I was to roll down the block pumpin' The Who, I'd get my ass beat!), other wack bands, JP's list was 1/3 hip hop!! (If you don't believe, check out their list on Junkiesradio.com). Plus, every once-in-awhile you can find JP on Saturday nights playing with the ABA's Nighthawks in Montgomery County. The best thing you get from JP is when he debates with EB. When they get into, you would think youre listening to a debate between PTIs Wibon and Kornheiser, but with way more screaming. If they had knives in the studio, both of them would have stab wounds like Paul Pierce did back in '02 leaving that nightclub in Boston. So, if youre tired of the same Bow Wow and Kanye West songs playing over and over and over and over every 15 minutes, check them out on 106.7 FM in the Washington DC area, 105.7 FM in B-more from 5am-10am or get at 'em via Pod casting by hitting up Junkiesradio.com. Theyre funny dudes. You'll even forget they're Caucasian! "DAAGGGERRR!!" One.
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